


100% Daily Value Glitter (100% Done)

by clearbluewater



Category: The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Humor, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Resolved Sexual Tension, Super Brief Mention of Bagginshield
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-12
Updated: 2014-01-12
Packaged: 2018-01-08 11:11:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,118
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1131953
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clearbluewater/pseuds/clearbluewater
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><b>Nutrition Facts</b><br/>Serving Size 1 fic (2109 words)<br/><b>Amount Per Serving</b><br/><b>Calories</b> 2109        Calories from Fat    0<br/><b>% Daily Value</b><br/><b>Glitter</b> 100%<br/><b>Orange Jello</b> 100%<br/><b>Comments from the Peanut Gallery</b> 100%<br/><b>Cafeteria Chase Scenes</b> 100%<br/><b>Boys Kissing</b> 100%<br/><b>Success Rate of Homosexual Love</b> 100%<br/><b>Done</b> 100%</p><p><b>INGREDIENTS</b>: BLOOD, SWEAT, EVIL LAUGHTER, CRACK, APOLOGIES TO TOLKIEN</p><p><b>WARNING</b>: THIS FIC HAS SHOWN TO CAUSE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE IN 100% OF ÉOMERS</p>
            </blockquote>





	100% Daily Value Glitter (100% Done)

            Aragorn knew that he had taken too long getting his breakfast when he went to the table where the rest of his friends were and saw Legolas and Gimli giving each other nasty looks, and Boromir eyeing them both nervously because when Legolas and Gimli fought at mealtimes, there was a tendency for food to be thrown and Boromir was wearing a suit for a mock interview he had today.

            God, Boromir’s _suit_. Boromir was usually well put together clothing wise, as opposed to Aragorn’s own style, which had been charitably described as “homeless-person-without-the-smell”, but this took the cake. Aragorn had dutifully read the same three lines of an email while listening to the sounds of Boromir getting dressed today because he was too honorable to watch his roommate getting dressed, though sometimes Aragorn really wished he wasn’t. But then Boromir had straight up asked Aragorn how he looked and really, it was only polite for Aragorn to look now. _You look like you really need to be fucked_ was the only thing that Aragorn could think of saying, but he went with the slightly more neutral “Fine” and quickly looked back to his computer. But he was haunted by the fact that for a split second Boromir looked…almost disappointed. But Aragorn wasn’t sure if he was just imagining it.

           Aragorn sighed and took his customary place in between Legolas and Gimli. Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin always sat on one side of the table, Boromir, Gimli, Aragorn, and Legolas on the other, and Gandalf usually took a chair from another table and sat at the head of the table. How did Aragorn end up being the peacekeeper between those two again? Honestly, they weren’t fooling anyone with their charade. The sexual tension between them was so thick that Aragorn could cut it with a spoon. Like the orange jello that Boromir got for dinner every Thursday. He didn’t like any other color of jello, just orange. And not even necessarily in gelatin form. Sometimes Boromir drank liquid orange jello. When Aragorn had asked him about this heresy to the fine institution of semisolid colloidal gel comestibles, he said that helped build muscle. Plus, their little mini fridge couldn’t handle a full bowl of jello. Maybe there was something to that, because Boromir did have nice muscles. He was the kind of guy who could actually build muscle. Though Aragorn knew that he was just as strong as Boromir, if not stronger, he didn’t look it. He looked perpetually rangy.

            “Legolas, why do you have a jar of glitter?” Frodo asked, pointing his fork, with sausage still attached, to the unnervingly large jar of rainbow glitter in front of Legolas.

            “It’s for class,” Legolas said.

            “What class are you taking that you need a jarful of rainbow glitter?” Merry asked.

            “Art.”

            “Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies, you know,” Gimli said snidely. Personally, Aragorn thought that it was more like syphilis. You just have a little bit of glitter, an innocuous little pile, but then it’s _everywhere_. Your face, your clothes, your hair. Your facial hair. Your pubic hair. It’s _everywhere_ , and the sparkliness eventually leads to blindness and madness. No one had asked Aragorn, though, so he kept his opinion to himself.

            “What would you know about art, Gimli?” Legolas said haughtily, emphasis on the word ‘art’. Aragorn didn’t think that anyone with a Mason jar full of rainbow glitter had the right to say ‘art’ in so snottily a fashion, and by Gimli’s snort, he agreed.

            “First of all, there is no glitter in art. That would be crafts.”

            Gandalf got up to go for seconds. Aragorn envied him. He wished he could just get up and leave, but no, he had to be the human buffer.

            “There is too glitter in art!” Legolas said hotly.

            “Maybe if you’re a twelve year old girl!” Gimli said and theeeree they go again, trying to reach over Aragorn to hit each other.

            “Stop it!” Aragorn commanded, and all hands immediately retracted from Aragorn’s personal space, though they still glared at each other.

            “You don’t get to define art, Gimli.”

            “Neither do you.”

            “As _an artist_ , I do too.”

            “And I, as _a viewer_ , get to decide that it’s shit.”

            Legolas’s hand shot out, but Aragorn had anticipated it, and batted it away before it could reach Gimli. Legolas gave Aragorn an annoyed look which Aragorn returned with a flatly unamused look of his own. Legolas relented and skulked back into his own space. Aragorn interpreted it as a retreat and looked down at his bowl of cereal to concentrate on eating.

That was a fatal mistake. Before the spoon even reached his mouth, a rainbow blizzard of glitter fell on him (and a little bit on Gimli). Aragorn froze with his mouth open and his spoon still in midair as his mind attempted to process the fact that his person and his breakfast was now covered in glitter.

            “Did Legolas just throw glitter at Gimli?” Pippin asked.

            “I’m pretty sure that was a homosexual marriage proposal,” Merry said.

            “Definitely. That was exactly how Thorin proposed to Bilbo,” Frodo said with a solemn nod of his head.

            Gimli grabbed the jar of glitter, ignoring Legolas’s cries, and threw a handful at Legolas. Aragorn had never truly appreciated how big Gimli’s hands were before. Once again, at least eighty percent of the glitter fell on Aragorn instead of the intended recipient.

            “And Gimli’s just said yes!” Frodo said.

            “Do you think it will be a summer wedding?” Pippin asked.

            “I’ve always had a preference for spring weddings, myself,” Sam chimed in.

            “I always thought they would have a beach wedding,” Merry said. “What with how Legolas is so obsessed with the ocean.”

            “I think Aragorn’s getting his one hundred percent daily value of glitter,” Boromir said, amused, as he looked at Aragorn’s cereal.

            Legolas wrenched the jar of glitter back from Gimli, knocking over Aragorn’s bowl of cereal in the process. The bowl landed face down on Aragorn’s lap.

            Legolas sensed that he had crossed some invisible boundary. He had frozen with his handful of glitter, arm raised to throw. The glitter fell like rainbow snow onto his shoulder.

            Aragorn sighed, picked up the bowl and placed it on the table, and put the spoon in it. He was one hundred percent done with their shenanigans. He reached over and put his hand on the back of Legolas’s and Gimli’s necks and squeezed lightly. Then he slammed their heads together in a kiss. After the initial shock, they got very into it. Very disgustingly into it. Aragorn’s job was done, though, so he extricated himself from the two lovebirds and sat next to Boromir.

            “You’re a mess,” Boromir noted, taking a bite of a piece of bacon. Aragorn looked down at himself. His previously black shirt was covered in rainbow glitter. His lap was doused in milk, cereal, and rainbow glitter. He looked back up at Boromir.

            “I have some—no. Don’t you dare!” Boromir must have read what Aragorn was thinking from the evil gleam in his eyes.

            Aragorn smiled evilly and slowly crept closer to Boromir. “What’s the matter, Boromir? Come here.”

            “No! No, no, no!” Boromir said, jumping up from his seat.

            Aragorn got up as well. “Boromir,” he sing-songed. He lunged for Boromir, but Boromir skittered away. He started outright running, hoping to lose Aragorn in the crowd of bleary college students getting their institutional food masquerading as breakfast. It was a futile hope, though. Aragorn chased Boromir through the whole cafeteria, neither of them caring if they bowled people over in the process. Aragorn was the faster runner though, and was catching up.

            The cafeteria was set up in a circular layout, and it was within sight of their table that Aragorn finally managed to tackle Boromir to the floor. There was a brief struggle, but Aragorn prevailed again and pinned Boromir’s hands above his head.

            “Come on! Aragorn! Have mercy,” he pleaded. But there was no mercy in Aragorn today. He started rubbing his glitter coated body all over Boromir, while he squirmed and tried to get away.

            “Noooo! My suit! Aragorn, you bastard! I have an interview today!”

            “Only a pretend one,” Aragorn said as he rubbed his cheek against Boromir’s, since he was pretty sure that there was glitter in his beard and he wanted to share the love with Boromir.

            “This—is—sexual—harassment!” Boromir said, trying to kick Aragorn.

            “No, _this_ is sexual harassment,” Aragorn said, and kissed Boromir. Boromir went very still and all Aragorn could think was _Shit, shit, I took it too far, disengage, disengage!_ But then Boromir was kissing him back, and there was _tongue_ , and oh, this was nice. Aragorn forgot that he had wet pants and was covered in glitter and was currently lying on top of Boromir in the middle of a cafeteria containing at least three hundred people right now. He let go of Boromir’s hands and Boromir immediately tangled one in his hair and the other settled on his lower back. That wasn’t quite where Aragorn wanted it, though, so he shifted his body upwards. Boromir took the hint and stuck his hand in the back pocket of Aragorn’s jeans.

            Aragorn wasn’t sure how long they had been kissing, but he knew that it exceeded the amount of time that he could go without breathing. He pulled away reluctantly. Boromir’s smile was beautiful and tender and just for him aaanndd they had been making out on the floor of the cafeteria that was completely silent except for catcalls coming from their table. Aragorn looked up. He was a foot away from the table where Éomer was sitting. He had been frozen in the act of putting salt on his eggs, and there was now a pile of salt about three inches high on his eggs. He had the most priceless expression on his face. Aragorn wished he had a camera.

            “You know, that’s bad for your blood pressure Éomer,” Aragorn said, getting up and holding his hand out for Boromir to get up as well. Éomer looked at his food and hastily put the salt shaker down while Boromir and Aragorn walked back to their table hand in hand. Frodo started clapping and then the whole cafeteria was clapping except for Éomer, who was giving his eggs a despairing look.

            They got back to the table at the same time that Gandalf did, who was looking rather confused about all the clapping.

            “What did I miss?” he asked.

            “I’ll tell you in a riddle: how long does it take for two pairs of idiots to realize that they like each other?” Frodo said.

            Gandalf looked at the non-Shire half of the table, understanding in his eyes. “The time it takes for me to get seconds, apparently.”

            “Does that mean we’re the sane side of the table today?” Pippin asked Merry.

            “You know, I was going to tell you that I had a change of clothes you could use in my bookbag,” Boromir said to Aragorn. “I can wear the suit all day. Even if it does have glitter on it.”

            “Wear it. You look good in it. Even with the glitter.”

            “Oh, that reminds me…” Boromir ran his fingers through the glitter that was on the table, and then flicked it on Aragorn. “Yes.”

            “Double wedding!” Pippin said.

            “We’re going to need at least two gallons of that rainbow glitter. Where did you get it, Legolas?” Merry asked.

            “I had to make it out of different colors of glitter. They don’t just sell it.”

            “I’m blaming you if I fail my interview,” Boromir said, but he was still smiling.

            “I’ll make it up to you,” Aragorn said, giving him a quick kiss. “Let’s go out for pizza tonight, just the two of us.”

            “That sounds great,” Boromir said, giving Aragorn one of those smiles.

            “Come on,” Aragorn said, picking up Boromir’s bookbag. “Help me get dressed.”

            “I also remembered that I have something dressing related to do in the bathroom. Right, Gimli?” Legolas said.

            “Yes. Very important…dressing related things to do. Let’s go.”

            Merry looked speculatively at the jar of glitter, now a quarter empty. “You know, I bet we could sell that stuff.”

            “And market it as what? The homosexual love glitter?” Frodo asked.

            “Well, it does have a one hundred percent rate of having a person of the same sex make out with you within five minutes,” Pippin pointed out.

            “True,” Frodo admitted.

            Gandalf chuckled. “Lies, damn lies, and statistics. Still, I’m happy for them. They were getting _really_ annoying,” he said, tucking into his food. 

**Author's Note:**

> I had to stop myself from writing the smut for this. This is supposed to be a tiny oneshot, dammit. I have a couple college AUs rattling around in my head, and unfortunately this didn't fit into any of them. It was too good to not write, though, even if what was supposed to be the background ship eclipsed the main ship. :/ I don't know why that keeps happening. (Aragorn/Boromir is totally my guilty pleasure ship. I totally like and respect him with Arwen, but slash is so much more appealing to me than hetero for reasons I don't want to go into here.) Eh, it's still funny. I hope. Also, they really don't just sell containers of rainbow glitter that you can throw on people. At least not that I've found. I'm sensing an untapped niche market.


End file.
